Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY