Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl