Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
May have had one breakfast too many
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Breakfast in bed.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.