best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
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Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
me hooking up with my ex
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
