best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?