best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
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I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Today’s tshirt
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.