best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
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TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Air conditioning – not a fan
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Drive like no one is watching.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
There’s no “u” in narcissist
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”