best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
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Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero