best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
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Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Everyone’s family
This was the best day of my life
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Nothing.
saw this in a dream
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Hero horse inspires millions
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you