Best misinterpreted text ever!
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
😂😂😂
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
White parent Vs Arab parents
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
just got my engagement photos
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.