Best misinterpreted text ever!
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Why are bridges so flammable.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information