Best mom ever 😂
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I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR: