Best mom ever 😂
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I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Get off my horse you stupid moon
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude