Best mom ever 😂
You Might Also Like
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Who chose this font
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
Dance like you’re not the father
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I only eat vegetarians.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary