Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

this was very charming

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.