Best mom ever 😂
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“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
thanksgiving in nutshell
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*