Best mom ever 😂
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Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
the simulation is moving too fast
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Don’t tell me what to do
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅