Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.