Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty