My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
#SaturdayBears
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring