Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

🤣🤣🤣

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

I feel seen.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch