Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
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Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
New favorite tiktok
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.