Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
it be like that
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.