Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
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“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!