Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
You Might Also Like
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.