Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

fixed it

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.