Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

What a year we’ve had this week.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Blocked: 1985

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

That eye roll….

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.