Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

The second world war should have been called world war returns

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

This poor dog

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.