Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.