Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
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[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
it was a valiant fight
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.