if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
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Always
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.