best review i’ve ever seen
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.