Best seat on the street 😍
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Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The French word for sex is croissant.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.