Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

it must be school picture day