Best seat on the street 😍
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.