Best seat on the street 😍
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Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.