Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.