Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
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[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.