Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*orders delivery*
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Not all heroes wear capes….
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)