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I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.