Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding