Best spot.. 😅
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“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Hmm 🧐
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I can’t stop watching this.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese