Best spot.. 😅
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I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I love it all
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted