Best spot.. 😅
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If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?