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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
If you know, you know
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.