Best table by far
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Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro