Best table by far
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Guys, I found it.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I feel it
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment