Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!