best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
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Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex: