best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
The honesty is refreshing
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
They got a point!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs