best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Sheep
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
A Short Story.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.