Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
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*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.