Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
wtf is an acronym
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.