Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width