Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Free him
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?