me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
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Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
i will not be silenced
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up