Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
You Might Also Like
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
For anyone who needs this today
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.