Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
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Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right