best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
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She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
fixed it
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…