Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
You Might Also Like
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Stop being racist to kettles.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
shut up and take my money
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.