Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Cow it started Cow it’s going
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.