Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.