Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

👾👾👾

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”