Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
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*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
The prophecy is fulfilled
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.