Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

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A spider crawled on my son’s hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.


As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.


*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack


Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.


monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move


Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.


me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful


doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great