my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
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*A van falls into a river*
(Duration: 148 minutes)
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.