Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

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my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”


I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question


The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad


I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.


wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working


Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?


Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.


[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas


I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.