@Shade510

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

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@BrotiGupta

my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”

@QueefSandwich

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

@sageboggs

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

@AbbyHasIssues

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

@GrantTanaka

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

@shkeeber

Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?

@JeffMyspace

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

@mela_shea

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

@kimtopher22

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.