Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
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Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine