best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.